Right now. | melindagrant's Blog

So, I am new to this.. But I feel like if I talk about some of the things making me sad it could be a posiitive experience. Currently I am on my winter break and I have absolutely nothing to do, normally I would think this this a good thing because all of my homework is done and I can just relax. But I have also been struggling with anxiety and depression especially for a while so not having anything to do just leaves me alone with my mind, which is in a very sad place. What I see as the two sources of this problem are the poor relationship I have with my mother, I have never connected with her and don't even see her as my mother because she treats me so horribly.Secondly, growing up I never had any good friends until I met this girl in middle school who changed everything. She was my best friend, she didn't mind being around me and we always had a good time together, and we were inseparable. I could tell her anything, trust her completely, and there was never awkward silence between us.. For the three years we were best friends we never had one fight, not one. Until the last one that resulted in us not speaking to each other in over a year and ultimately ending our friendship. She went away on a missions trip with my mortal enemy, who will do and has done anything in h power to make my life miserable. I warned my friend about her but inevitably they came back from the trip best friends and I was now the third wheel, I didn't stand a chance against her new friend.. She was way prettier than me and she didn't carry the baggage of having an anxiety disorder. So I lost her and a year later I feel worse than i did when I was the third wheel. I always said that if I ever lost my best friend my life would be ruined and if I ever lost my father my life would be over. And I predicted correctly, my life is ruined. Ever since I have never been able to make a connection with somebody as a friend because they just aren't like my old best friend, nothing is the same.